Last night, I baked not one, but two, batches of cookies.
Because how else does one ward off the existential dread that washes over society at large when 2016 presidential debates roll around? I was eating my feelings, friends. I regret nothing.
From threats of imprisonment Stalin style to an utter lack of policy discussion in favor of insults, last night’s debate was a tribute to hot messery at its finest. I may not know where in the actual hell candidates fall on major issues affecting our nation, but I do know that these 26 activities would have been more fun than enduring that waking nightmare.
1. Setting my own hair on fire.
2. Playing in traffic.
3. Translating “War and Peace” into Armenian.
4. Going to the DMV just ’cause.
5. Giving myself 45,000 paper cuts.
6. Having a bleach cocktail with my rat poison dinner.
7. Watching any “Real Housewives” series for more than six minutes.
8. Bustin’ out the old calculus book.
9. Tracing the history of the Taylor Swift-Kanye West feud.
10. Reading the comments on absolutely anything.
11. Expecting news media to cover actual news and relishing in my disappointment.
12. Arguing with my racist third cousin on Facebook.
13. Filing my taxes.
14. Fighting lions.
15. Showing up to an old-timey duel unarmed.
16. Running my hand through a paper shredder.
17. Going to the nearest subway station and taking in its many wonders.
18. Thinking about college debt.
19. Discussing string theory with my great aunt who really can’t hear at all.
20. Getting a colonoscopy.
21. Sitting in the emergency room for hours and wondering if anyone cares that I’m dying.
22. Reading Yelp reviews for hours on end.
23. Texting my ex.
24. Only eating vegetables ever again.
25. Reliving high school.
26. Slamming my head in a door just to feel anything.
Existence is truly awful and life is a mess! Can’t wait for the next one.